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  • Writer's pictureemilynmoser

This is for my girlies (and anyone else) who don’t know how the fuck to feel

This is for my girlies (and anyone else) who don’t know how the fuck to feel. The past few weeks shit seems to just be piling on and I don’t really know how to trudge my way through it all. I just feel kind of stuck.


It started when I got a notification from Victim Services letting me know that the inmate who was convicted for sexually assaulting me is being transferred to a different prison. To be honest, I have gotten to a point where I don’t usually think about the man (I don’t even know if you can even consider him a man, and it turns out he was under 26 when he did this to me, which apparently qualifies him for youth parole… more on that later). Ironically enough, a few days prior someone asked where he was and that was the first time his name had crossed my mind in a minute.


The notification got me curious about his sentencing and I went on a deep dive. I found out that because he was under the age of 26 when he committed these crimes he is eligible for youth parole after a certain number of years served. So come April 2029 he can have a parole hearing, which I can speak for or against should I wish, to make a case about why he should be released.


But really I wanted to know what he was sentenced to because I don’t understand the criminal justice system and how you can be sentenced to serve x amount of time yet get out so much sooner. Like is there some sort of equation they use to figure this out?! I Googled it but didn’t find much so if someone can let me know that’d be great. I was, however, able to find a news article back from 2012 stating his sentencing since I was unable to find that information anywhere else. He was sentenced to 17 years plus two life terms… I remember when he was sentenced and feeling safer knowing he would never get out of prison. Ha. Jokes on me.


Turns out, not only will he not be in prison for the rest of his life and have the opportunity for parole in a few short years, but, according to the person on the other side of the Victim Services chat, his release date is set for May 2033. You heard that right, HIS RELEASE DATE IS MAY 2033. That’s fucking news to me. Why don’t they send me a notification about that shit?! That means in 10 years if he doesn’t get out on parole before then, he could (or will??) very well be a free man. I know, I know, that’s 10 years from now. I will literally be 40 then (holy shit that might honestly be more terrifying than this fucker being released). So much could change in that time, who knows how I will feel about it then, so what’s the point in stressing about it now, right? But I AM stressed about it now. Does that mean he’s just going to be walking the streets back in Reseda or some shit and able to hurt young girls again???? That’s not fucking ok with me.


Here’s the thing. I feel comforted by the fact that there is time, but also numb. I feel like I’m supposed to feel sad and I kind of am, but no tears come. I feel like I’m supposed to be angry, and again I kind of am, but I’m also not angry. I’m not mad at this guy even though he is an absolute sick fuck. I just feel numb. I feel overwhelmed by the information and unable to process it. So I put it into the same compartment it’s been tucked away in for 13 years and tell myself it doesn’t affect me and move on with my life. I know that’s not true though, but I couldn’t tell you how it affects me.


But then I’m sitting here thinking about being 15 again and I have completely forgotten how fucked up my world was at such a young age. And I didn’t deal with it, I let everyone look at me and ask me questions like I was some animal at the zoo, while I comforted everyone, assured them I was ok and that they didn’t have to worry. If they made a movie about a 15 year old girl who was viciously assaulted, almost raped and then two months later molested by her family friend, how would they have her react? What would she be like 13 years later? And how would see feel 23 years later when her attacker became a free man?


Hollywood, call me. I want to know how this story ends because god knows I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about it.


In fearless pursuit,

Emily



The Feelings Wheel courtesy of https://blog.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel

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